Deciding to Live

I attended the White House Medal of Honor ceremony yesterday where we honored SSG Ty Carter.  He risked his life to rescue another soldier.  Not everyone would have done that but in a split second he made the decision to go for it.  Not everyone has that kind of courage. I’m not sure I do. Half my life I’ve crippled myself with indecision and the other half in rash decision. Ever since I knew I was adopted I’ve lived believing I was a mistake. I was unwanted by my mother and given away. I never felt ‘chosen’ or ‘special’, I felt abandoned and unable to express those feelings with anyone else I mainly felt alone.

But I was the life of the party. I was a free spirit, carefree and fun. You never would have guessed I had problems with my identity and self-esteem unless you took a moment to look past my smile. I was like a magician distracting you with one hand so you didn’t see what was going on in the other. A lot of relationships didn’t work out for me because I never let anyone in.  I needed to change.

I ended my marriage because I was living a lie. I was living someone elses dream; the house, the car, the clothes.  Some women will endure anything to have that kind of security but I walked away. Whatever dream I had in my heart, I felt now was the chance to live it.  I struck out on my own hoping to find what I was looking for and through hard work I am where I am today.  But what about my mother?

In 2010, when I found out my mother’s name, indecision hit me like truck. Fear kept me from finding her. I wanted to go to her but all my failures held me back.

I learned something through all my trials and tribulations, never give up. The road is long and the road is hard but it’s my road. My mother gave me life so I could live it and I have. I feel like that woman in Titanic when the boy she loves dies in the water. He tells her to live and at the end of the movie you see her surrounded by all her pictures. Proof of the split second decision she made to live and she did it gloriously.

Making that split second decision to change things is where courage comes in and the strength lies in the determination not to give up. I may die tomorrow but I can tell you this, Mom, beautiful mother, I- have- lived!

 

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