Closer than I think

Almost everything is checked off my wish list. I have my dream job – check. I live in the most beautiful state in the country – check. I reunited with my biological family – check. I have it all………so what’s wrong with me? I haven’t been able to write a word, not one word, on my new book and I feel terrible about that but I have too many thoughts in my head. I feel on edge and whiny and I hate both. I just talked an hour to my best friend and all I felt I accomplished was how to whine better. She said, you just had all your dreams fulfilled, I don’t think I can feel sorry for you. My dilemma is not that I just got everything I’ve ever wanted, it’s what comes next.

If you understood me at all you’d see that I do have a plan of action. My plan takes me from A to Z on the journey of my life and I think I was somewhere between J and K hoping to end the journey alphabetically X, Y and Z being accomplished when I’m around 80, 83 or 85– when suddenly I’m catapulted to O. I found my family! O M G

I thought I had a little more time but even the next thing in my list was conveniently taken care of.  I recently had a realization of sorts, not on my part but on the part of my children. Our plan for so many years was wait, wait until they were old enough to go for a change in custody. This summer changed our plans. I talk with my children probably more than I talk to anybody in my life. I relate to them on a level that’s as genuine and real as it gets. My daughter, who is more mature than I will ever hope to be, told me she didn’t want our family to change. Going back to court for a change in custody would change the dynamics of everything and it would change her relationship with her father. When I asked my son if he felt the same way he said, Dad, needs us more than you. I wanted to remind them my life crumpled when they were gone, I was so far down the bottom of the barrel you had to scrap the edge to even find me. But I didn’t have to tell them, they knew. We had suffered a mighty blow but the beauty of it was, we had survived and understand them. I couldn’t have been more proud. We are a modern family but in their decision not to change their life irrevocably changed mine.

So not only do I not have that, I also don’t have my next course of action because my biological family beat me to it. I guess I thought my journey was longer. I thought I’d be made to suffer through pain and regret until my life ended accordingly and right on time. I told my friend when I turned 40, that’s it– I’m halfway there. Maybe I’m closer than I think. Maybe I don’t have all the time I thought I did and my wish list has turned into my bucket list.

If this is my final day at the bottom of my final hour know this……………………all my passwords are kept on a sheet of paper in the back of my writing book at work – Jiminey Christmas, don’t leave me out in cyberspace!!  Have my friends write my obituary, have my family burn me away and tell Mojo I love him!we out

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